My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
