The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
