don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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