my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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