He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
