She kept screaming "best case scenario"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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