Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize