i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
