Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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