Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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