how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
