Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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