What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My life is pants optional.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
