I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
