So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
