I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
