I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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