after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
