i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I want a musical about memes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
