i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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