Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize