she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
