What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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