I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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