My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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