woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
