I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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