Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
