I want you more than these girls want KFC
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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