I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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