just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think my fart just growled at me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
