Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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