Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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