I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
