God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
