Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Randomize
