Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize