I can tuck mytits in my pants
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
