I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize