I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
