Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
