i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
