White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
