My friends, they love my intelligence
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We smell like vodka and hangover
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