There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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