Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
