I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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