Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
