I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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