just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize