Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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