I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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