My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
