I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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