uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
there is glitter all over my balls
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