You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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