The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
