i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
