so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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