If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize