i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
