Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
