Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
