That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
