i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You ruined the universe
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
