Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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