I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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