my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
