Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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