I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
